There once was a girl who was in love with the sky. Everynigh she'd go out into an open field, the breeze from the west would blow her silver hair back, and her bare feet would slide on the grass as she ran out into the open. And every night this girl would yell "Hello." And the sky would back back at her "HELLO,
hello,
hello,
hello,
hello." And the girl felt welcomed. And then the girl would yell to the black shiny gleaming sky, "I love you!" And the sky would echo back,
"I LOVE YOU!
I love you!
I love you,
i love you,
i love you." And the girl felt so icredably loved. But after months and days and years of screaming, the girl who was in love with the sky had a sore throat. The earth pityedher so he biult her steps to climp up so she could reach the sky and whisper to him. But when she got to the top she whispered "i love you" to the sky, and the sky didn't whisper back. So the sad girl climbed down the stairs and cried, because the sky didn't think she was pretty up close.
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hmm.... I like the first part a lot. The last part doesn't seem quite right in some way though.
ReplyDeleteIt's good though. Really good, and I like it.
Maybe you make the girl get really sick, and she barely had the strength to get out of bed, but the wind carried her up, and she gathered all of her strength, and whispered " I love you." Then the sky didn't reply, and continue on with your story.
ReplyDeleteSorry. I probably really shouldn't have rewrote it. It is, after all, you story. I wasn't really trying to criticize it. I hope you won't be annoyed with me!
For Christ,
Maritza B.
Hey Melli, I just wanted to apologize again fro criticizing your writing. Whenever i see writing, people normally want me to criticize it, so I did without thinking about it. However, just because I criticized it doesn't mean it isn't good. It's wonderful, its' just that anything any of us write can be improved. I love you story, and you did an awesome job on it, so I really hope you aren't offended!
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